Been off for a while. Have been down & not sure why. I got my 1st covid vac. shot & in a few days will receive my 2nd. My cocktail of anti-depressants that worked well before haven't kicked in well. I'm safe in a warm home watched over by caring family. What gives? I ____should be pleased by the prospect of emerging out of quarantine ahead of my family in other states.
Then tonight i read 3 impressive articles in this week's NEJM by docs currently working during covid. 1: a vascular sx from Edinburgh, Andrew Tambyraja, who bemoaned being displaced from being #1 that all surgeons feel because with covid running amuck there's no need for his skills. His article is full of reflective irony & humility. #2: by Rebecca Rush from Toronto. She writes of the”gift” of a dying man's permission to let her preform an excruciating procedure so that she could learn from the experience to better help a future patient. Finally #3: Eve Rittenberg in Boston. She writes of an intense phone call with an elderly lady who had the recent loss of her spouse & other family members from covid. The call she anticipated to be an exhortation about better care for her diabetes turned into a long expression of grief.
Lately I've been feeling sorry for myself because i had so identified with being a healer that now having been retired for 8 yrs, i feel lost & useless. Initially i was relieved to be free from the yoke of what seemed an impossible task. But now i sorely miss not my job so much but my patients & my colleagues.
Today after reading these 3 heart felt essays, i see what a gift i had to have been able to had such a challenging & engrossing job. At this moment i am so grateful to have had this life experience & to have know the amazing people i worked with & for.